I’ve Been Invited Onto The Apprentice.

WHY do I do these things.

Sorry for the clickbait title – I’ve been invited to audition for The Apprentice. Tomato, tomato.

You might think I’m as fame-hungry as Katie Price when I tell you this isn’t the first TV show for which I’ve auditioned. In fact, it’s not even the first in the last 12 months. Just before Christmas I had a call from The Chase. It went a little something like this:

“I’m going to give you some quick-fire questions. Ready?”

“Sure. Hit me.”

“What ‘M’ can be associated with Williams and Pfeiffer?”

“Fifer? What’s the hell’s a Fifer?!”

Time’s up. Needless to say, I didn’t get past the phone audition.

Let’s go back even further. When I was 17, I auditioned for The X Factor. My mother and I traipsed up to Arsenal Football Club where I thought I was going to feast my eyes on the grinning, botoxed music mogul himself. So convinced was I that I would meet the high waistband-toting legend, I prepared an audition song…in Spanish. I thought that singing Il Divo – his band – would impress him.

Nope. It was a producer in a tiny room in the Emirates. “I’m gonna have to say no.” And thus, my dreams of stardom were over.

What do these all have in common?

Again, contrary to what you might believe, it’s not an all-consuming desire for fame. I signed up for a laugh. Genuinely. Who can resist the beguiling stare of Lord Sugar as he looks down the camera and invites you to fill out an audition form? Certainly not me. Same thing with that massive chap from The Chase.

So what do I do now? I guess I should weigh up the pros and cons. The audition takes place in Manchester midway through this month. I’ve got family over there, so if nothing else, it’s a good excuse to see me nana.

Pros of auditioning for The Apprentice

  • On the squillion to one chance I actually get on the show, it might give my brand some good exposure.
  • I have heard first-hand that somebody in my network auditioned and didn’t get through. However, she attracted the attention of an investor, and now runs an incredibly successful SEO business.
  • On the billion besquillion to one chance that I win, that’s an unmissable opportunity to expand and create an empire. World domination awaits.
  • Fame and fortune for at least 15 minutes. Maybe a ticket to the Baftas.

Cons of auditioning for The Apprentice

  • I’m a freelancer. I haven’t given much (serious) thought to hiring other people, mainly because I’m a control freak. It will take some doing to come up with a business plan that lets me run everything alone, or indeed, convinces me to relinquish control.
  • If I get on it, there’s a pretty strong chance that the editing team will make me look like an idiot. Here are just a few examples.
  • I’m not enough of a cold-hearted bitch, lunatic, or bigoted banned Twitter user to get through to the shows*.
  • If I got through, I’d have to move to London and put Katie Lingo on hiatus.

So, what would you do?

Of course, this could be a massive opportunity, and I don’t mean to be so disparaging about the show. A lot of good has come from it: Michaela Wain is doing wonders for women in the construction industry, Camilla Ainsworth is making dairy-free options that much more exciting, and Bianca Miller addressed a serious diversity issue in women’s fashion.

*And I’m only being semi-serious when I say these things. I realise it’s not all bad. We have Tommy the pillow man, for example.

So, my question is, to you, dear readers – should I go for it? I think, at the very least, the audition would be an experience.

Or, you know, the producers might see this post and ban me from turning up. We’ll see.

Katie Lingo
by Katie Lingo
5th February 2020